Desperate Landscapes

I need to be on an episode of yard crashers, or something. Our yard is just an unkept mess. Over grown random plantings, and trees that seeded themselves. Nothing is coherent, and nothing is where is should be. Everything is too close to the house. And that includes the big rusty shed. What the hell am I going to do with this mess? It's so weird I can't even imagine what needs to be done. I might call in a landscape architect just for a write up that I can implement. Or not, cuz I'm broke. I just want openess flowing out from the house.