Thursday, December 19, 2013

It All Depends Upon What You're Into

These are honest musings, the sort that gets you into trouble, makes enemies, doesn't foster friendships, in general, drives people away. But I don't care. Anyway, I have something wrong with me. The angry gene, the depressed and discontent no matter what gene. The latter has been expressing itself since birth, the other has come and gone from time to time. Mostly stimulated by frustration and the inability to accomplish what I want. Although I wanted children, having children has made me even more frustrated than I've ever been. I feel like a perfectly able race horse, forced to stand and rot, nursing an over grown foal in the paddocks. Maybe this is extreme, but at times it's really how I feel. As age takes over and the arthritis spreads, I just become older and more uninteresting. Looking back and longing more than looking ahead or enjoying the now. I pine for the ability to just go back and work, forever, the age of 24 at Badger Federal, the job I cursed well into the late hours for keeping me out so long. Now it seems like pie, so easy, just drive, take a break if you want, when you want, just get from point A to B in a reasonable time, and be willing to do some creative logging for the owner and you'll never get fired. Unless you do something really bad. Like a DUI or cussing him out in front of his staff. That's a no, no. Summer you see Wisconsin in it's full glory, it's a short season, but it lives out to the fullest, as if it knows that time is short. Fall blows in by October and the nip in the air and the wind that makes your eyes water tells you that winter is not too far away. By November you're bringing out the heavy clothes and bundling. It's dreary, but the first snow usually comes in November and for me it's all worth the misery and rainy drudge of autumn. The Holiday season is ushered in with the promise of bright lights and specialty foods, and my favorite, Christmas music. I amassed a collection from the bin at our Goodwill in Oshkosh, $1-2 a pop and it remains the best music I've ever collected. Mostly instrumental. This whole time in my life stands out as the pinnacle and I didn't know it was at the time. If I did, I would have milked it, like the neighbor's Holsteins. I would have told my ex husband thanks but no thanks on our second date when he revealed he was "agnostic" and I would have married myself to Badger. For better or worse, it was the best job for me.

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